I realize that my last post ended a little abruptly. I also realize that life is not perfect and neither is blogging. That said, I am still trying to weather the line of perception in this blog. I am not yet sure how much I want others to know how difficult at times my experience with cancer is. I am especially concerned with not wanting this blog to be a droning of self pity. In reality, I don't have much self-pity about what has occupied my life for the past four months--really, side effect wise, the last year. Language is only linear, it is difficult to express the range of emotions in the magnitude that they are felt. Today, I am a little melancholy. I am alone at the house. It is difficult for me to sit by myself at times, however, I am trying.
Lately, I have experienced such clear joy, that I know is part of a new perspective I have obtained. It is refreshing to feel that the senses are heightened, to feel much better physically, emotionally, energy-wise (this has changed immensely as I have increased my thyroid hormone level), I am more excited about my move in ten days or so than I have been excited by anything for a very long time. Having undergone some trauma, I have come out on the other side more loving and caring to myself, more loving and caring to others. I am living more in the moment. I am relaxed and confident in just being. These are all things I had previously attempted in my type-A-way, and I always seemed to come up with hands empty. Turns out you cant force yourself to be. You have to, as the wise sagely Beatles say, Let it be.
Alright, I see this is a bit trite, a bit patriarchal. But no, I am learning everyday what it means to breathe. I have learned that others can walk away, but that I can never walk away from myself, that I deserve love.
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