What made you so bitter inside?

Okay, I suck at everything. making friends. finding jobs. yoga. even breathing. And now I will stop being hyperbolic. Now I will be nice. I don't suck, it has only been two weeks, and I will make friends and practice my yoga and my breathing. Oh, and look at the economy, jobs are scarce and yet I will still find something. Surely. There, I feel better. Do you?

The Madeleine Peyroux concert was amazing! I really love her bluesy earthy jazz and the venue, The Jazz Alley, was something I had never previously experienced. Candle-lit tables encircle the stage while servers in black move unobtrusively throughout the audience taking orders, dropping drinks. I felt like I had transported back into the 40's. A couple danced happily, silhouetting an exit door frame. Afterwards, we went salsa dancing and that was terribly fun, however, I was very rusty. I'm rusty at a lot of things. Twenty-three and rusty. But here.

I had an extensive job search last week, and got turned down numerous of times. I've applied at the Bill and Melinda Gates Foundation (Oooooo I really want that one), Amazon, a couple different hotels, a smattering of restaurants. I think tomorrow I will plan on dropping a fleet of resumes for service industry jobs. I've been babysitting for a 7 week old beauty, and scattering my business cards to multiple parental units.

On Friday evening we shot my segment of the music video. It was thrilling because we filmed in a downtown Seattle area called Belltown with a small group (2 actors, 2 helpers, 1 director, 1 DP) guerrilla style. At one point, I had to behave drunkenly through an unsuspecting crowd and they gawked and laughed as though I really was THAT girl. I also got shoved by some girl. Look who's on candid camera. The camera was so tiny that it was clearly missed by everyone. On Saturday, I finally went out with people my own age, my cousin's cousins. It was a good clean fun time, yet I should have known better than to try to keep up. Sunday was spent in bed nursing one of the worst hangovers I have had in a long time.

This week, I am going to set some goals for writing and yoga. I'm going to research some writing groups, because I think that I need a little bit of direction for getting back in the groove. Also, I think I will try to stop by the large public library in Seattle and see what that have in terms of literary journals available in the stacks. I am going to try to do at least one round of sun-salutations everyday on correct breath and maybe build off of that. I am focusing on breath here recently and I believe I need to build my stamina and also breathe through some things that I am still holding on to physically and emotionally. On a different note, I am attempting Anna Karenina by Leo Tolstoy. Perhaps, I will try some rock climbing this week.

See, I am not utterly incapable of everything. Just mildly fledgling.

You're gonna make me lonesone when you go

I've spent a lovely full packed weekend in West Seattle. On Friday evening, my aunt and I went to a restaurant/bar called Matador after a nice Thai dinner, of which I ate a shockingly good pumpkin curry. The bar is a bit upscale compared to some divey places in West Seattle, however, it was busy with people who began drinking right after work at happy hour and just never made it home. My Aunt and I were accosted by a drunken southern gentlemen from Texas ("Yes, Ma'am"; friendly enough) who proceeded to stumble through pictures of his dogs on his camera phone and lift his Texas T-shirt to display his abs, in contest to the hunky young bartender's theoretical set. I say theoretical because we never did get to see what he had under his shirt ; ). We proceeded to chat up the bar manager to see if Matador was hiring. He implied they weren't currently but that I should bring in my resume soon anyway.

I had an audition scheduled for Saturday afternoon, the independent music video came through, and so we headed back fairly early on Friday evening. Saturday was a bit rainy, yet still beautiful and we headed into downtown Seattle to try to catch my cousins volleyball match before my audition. Needless to say, Murphy's law seems to come around when auditions are looming, we had the wrong site for volleyball. So we headed to the audition location with enough time to grab a quick glass of Savignon before.

The music video is for a band called Unnatural Helpers and they are on Sub Pop's second label Hardly Art. So the audition was at Sub Pop's offices--which is pretty neat for 90's grunge music fans. Having never done a music video I wasn't sure what to expect. The night before I was sent an email describing the scene in full detail, with every emotion expected and when they were expected to occur. This got me a little nervous because, I tend to operate with the training that if it's not there emotionally you don't force it or fake it...

The audition itself went fairly well. I didn't cry at the drop of the hat, that was maybe expected, but I was fairly emotional and within means of what I was given to work with. After the audition, I met up with my aunt back at the bar and had a celebratory glass of wine and house doughnuts. Julie and I then proceeded to go to a favorite store of hers over on Capitol Hill that is closing in the near future. I found a cute tunic top with blue accents. While at the store, called Presence, the girl at the counter gave us a couple of tips for places that were hiring servers or bartenders, but that I should drop off my resumes ASAP. So in a Dan Brown fashion, Julie and I ran to the nearest library (two blocks), printed off my resume and then proceeded to drive over to Ballard and make a few drops. I talked to the owner at a bar called Shelter and he gave me a few more tips for places where he knew owners and knew they were hiring. One of which was Matador. Small world. After that, we met up with Julie's friend Karen and her adorable three year old son. Karen is an amazing chef and she ended up offering us dinner, which was of course fantastic. I was asked about baby-sitting so hopefully I will be able to make a little cash here soon, by spending some time with a really cute energetic kid. After dinner, we headed back to West Seattle for some tea drinking and music listening.

We took our time this morning, reading and relaxing. I read a couple articles out of The New Yorker, and the Seattle Weekly. We headed out to actually catch my cousin's volleyball game in North Seattle. She played well and they ended up winning the last two sets and the match, despite getting off to a little of a rough start. I got a phone call from the music video people while at the match and I ended up getting the part of drunken girlfriend who is heatedly arguing outside of a night club with her boyfriend. Oh and there is more than likely a vomity end to the scene. Nothing says Fin like an upchuck. I seem to be getting type cast in the drunk role. Maybe I will break out one day, either way it should be a good time and something for my resume. And hell I can look cute while I purge my insides, right? right??! :D

We had some appetizers at a different place in West Seattle and upon entering we ran into who? but the bar manager from Friday evening's excursion. He emphasized again for me to drop off my resume.

Currently, I am sitting in an awesome little cafe a few blocks from my aunts house called The Bohemian. Tonight, Julie and I are going to see a Jazz singer, Madeleine Peyroux. Jazz, a tossing of cookies and resumes, and the weekend has arrived at EL FIN.

Take me for what I am

Well, I have arrived.

It was yesterday amid slight rain and overcast, to be expected. I had a very short layover in Mineapolis that consisted of just enough time to use the restroom and reboard. Thus, I was extremely antsy and ready to deplane. It's always a bit unnerving to change three time zones in one day, and my flight left North Carolina at 7 am. This is all an excuse for why I haven't posted until today. I had a quick lunch after landing and went down for a nice coma in the afternoon.

I woke up this morning, however, to this:

(haha! :P for all you pacific northwest haters) This is the view from my Aunt and Uncle's house out on the Samamish Plateau. I'll be staying here and at my other Aunt's house in West Seattle alternately.

Today has been fairly easy going. Getting settled in and scoping out options.

I had a delicious lunch at a Pho place in Issaqua called Jenny Pho

http://www.yelp.com/biz/jenny-pho-issaquah

I had pho for the first time when I was out here for my visit in February. Pho those who don't know ;) Pho is a vietnamese noodle soup that can have a variety of ingredients, I usually go for the vegetarian. The Pho today was good, but the shrimp spring rolls were amazing. The food all seemed very fresh and immediately prepared. I dumped a ton of siracha in with it and it became super spicy how I like it.

I also sent my headshot and resume in for a non-paying gig, an independent music video. We'll see if anything comes from that.

Tell me quando quando quando

It is a week from my departure date! I don't know what to expect emotion wise for the next 7 days. My decision is not clouded with any doubt, and for some that may seem strange. Perhaps, it hasn't sunk in completely yet. Or, I am bouncing off my chair in excitement.

Today, I attempted to research talent agencies, and as always, I get a gross greasy feeling from the business side of things, or at least from those agencies that have 3 agents and 500 million clients with not a lot of experience to their names. Picking representation can be such an iffy thing. I need new head shots and the whole number, yet I need a job before I can afford head shots. Ah, Conundrum!

I am also having conflicting feelings in the department of job searching. Ideally, it would be nice to have a job that paid well and had health benefits, and also left me enough free time to audition and take on gigs. Basically, all my unresolved thoughts are stemming from the unknown and intangible at this time. Once I get on the ground in Seattle, I think the clear choices will unveil themselves to me. It is strange how my approach to these types of things and other life choices has changed over the course of the last few months. Strange, and wonderful really, in that I feel a strong sense of calm and my intuition (those gut feelings) tends to send me clear positive signals.

I can still see your footstep in the yard

"In the midst of winter, I finally learned that there was in me an invincible summer." -Albert Camus

I realize that my last post ended a little abruptly. I also realize that life is not perfect and neither is blogging. That said, I am still trying to weather the line of perception in this blog. I am not yet sure how much I want others to know how difficult at times my experience with cancer is. I am especially concerned with not wanting this blog to be a droning of self pity. In reality, I don't have much self-pity about what has occupied my life for the past four months--really, side effect wise, the last year. Language is only linear, it is difficult to express the range of emotions in the magnitude that they are felt. Today, I am a little melancholy. I am alone at the house. It is difficult for me to sit by myself at times, however, I am trying.

Lately, I have experienced such clear joy, that I know is part of a new perspective I have obtained. It is refreshing to feel that the senses are heightened, to feel much better physically, emotionally, energy-wise (this has changed immensely as I have increased my thyroid hormone level), I am more excited about my move in ten days or so than I have been excited by anything for a very long time. Having undergone some trauma, I have come out on the other side more loving and caring to myself, more loving and caring to others. I am living more in the moment. I am relaxed and confident in just being. These are all things I had previously attempted in my type-A-way, and I always seemed to come up with hands empty. Turns out you cant force yourself to be. You have to, as the wise sagely Beatles say, Let it be.

Alright, I see this is a bit trite, a bit patriarchal. But no, I am learning everyday what it means to breathe. I have learned that others can walk away, but that I can never walk away from myself, that I deserve love.